I don’t think I can even start to quanitfy what this trip has meant but I’ll try, i.e., put off packing
My original plan for today was to go into San Francisco and mark the anniversary of my stepdad’s death by visiting the Golden Gate Bridge and trying to remember everything he taught me about how suspension bridges work. This plan was of course thwarted by the BART strike, so instead I tried to do work and take a lot of walk-breaks so I could be out in the perfect weather. It wasn’t easy. I could have done with a hug, and being 3,000 miles away from everyone who would understand sucked, as did feeling like I’d feel exactly the same even I was at home. I more than got through it though, and I saw two adorable Westies while I was out walking, which felt like the universe’s way of trying to cheer me up, so there’s that.
I’m really glad that I came out here, and that I did this fest as hard as I could, for more reasons than I can count. I’m glad that I got to see so many great bands and so many awesome people and even meet some new ones. I’m even glad that I’m leaving with more questions than ‘answers’, about a lot of things, though mostly about ‘punk’ and diy and both school and life stuff (they’re one and the same by now pretty much) and about what I want out of life and how I feel about where I do or don’t fit into any of this.
Truthfully, this trip sort of made me feel more alone, or ‘autonomous’, than ever, and This is Not a Step made me feel like I don’t really fit in or belong anywhere, but it also made me feel like that’s okay, like I don’t have to know where I ‘belong’ or whatever, I just have to know where I am and who I am at the moment. During their set, Hysterics’ frontwoman was talking between songs about the late Sarah Kirsch, whose memory was the whole point of the fest, and she said something like “If I take anything away from this it’s that I have to live harder every day.” I don’t think it’s even possible to argue with that, and I’m glad that that’s what I at least tried to do while I was out here.